what the hell

this blog is fucking random

Saturday, July 26, 2008

soo to add...


my parents bug the shit out of me. why cant they tell when i just want to be left the fuck alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! mum came into my room and was like " show me some funny videos." not like a request but a demand. and then i showed her like one or two and she was like go find your sister while i check my mail. then she grabbs my computer and starts going online. i am like wtf. seriously. go use your own damn computer. fuck off. 

so i found my sister and we all huddled into my room and watched videos.

later she comes in and my room is freezing. which i love it like that seriously. and she comes in and climbs into my bed. i dont know why i dont like it when people crawl into my bed. i just dont like it. its ewww. and she does it whether not it is cold in my room or not. gahhh. i dont mind if you lay ontop of my bed. but not in it. not to mention jaden is in the bed on the otherside and im desperatly afraid that she will find him. gahhh.

i just wish that my rents would understand that i like to be left alone at times. fuck. seriously. i'll spend time with you but dont force yourself on me. it makes me not want to be there. 


ok.. i have to figure out what the fucking dog is doing.. he's being a nut case right now.. looing at me. 

Friday, July 25, 2008

sooo... i blew up at my dad today.

i didnt mean to. he just pissed me off.

he called me at like 200 and was like you need to bring the car back home. and i was like ok. i'll drop it off when mum is done talking to the stair guy. and he was like ok. he calls back like 10 min later and was like you need to bring it back to the house now!. in like a mean way. i was like ok fine. i will. so i drove over to his house. and mum came behind me to pick me up. well i got into the house and dad wasn't even there. he called me and was like 
"im furious at you. you lied to me and to sarah. you said you had work."
and i was like i wrote it down as a call in. it didnt mean that i had work but i could possibly have work. and then he brought up this moring stating that i never called in and made  up me working today. i was like no. i called and they said they didnt need me. he was like thats not what mum said. mum said you called and they were busy. and i was like i waited for a bit then i called again and talked to shannon. she said that she didnt need me. 

dad then went i dont know whether or not to believe you. 
so then i was like well then dont. and i hung up on him. oops.
well im kinda glad i did. but i was soo pissed. seriously. i guess i should have worded it differenty. if i was working or not. he's just looking for places where i have been misleading and "lie-ing" to him. he says that i say different things to different people. i am like no.. i try to keep things from you guys that i think you shouldnt know. and when i do that i get in trouble. but when i tell you everything. i still get introuble. i never win. sarah often tells me that i say too much to my parents. but if i try and keep it a secret, i get told that im lie-ing and being misleading and untrustowrthy, becaues i am keeping things to my self. 

i just wanna give up. seriouly. i cant do anything right. 

Monday, July 21, 2008

new post

soo.... things aren't looking better between me and dad.. 

such fucking bs. 

hes not taking my car with him to flordia. however, it has to stay at the house. i am not allowed to drive it even to work and back. it has to stay at his house. him and mum are talking tomarrow aboutt me. and mum keeps questioning me like is there something im not telling her.. and im like no. there isn't seriously.  but she doesnt believe me
why the fuck doesnt anyone believe me when i say things. gahhhh

fuck my toes are cold.

moving on. 

i dont know whether or not it is a good thing that my rents are talking. i mean its something i have always wanted them to do.. but at this point in time.. i really dont want them talking. i dont know if i will be going back to school. i dont have a car to drive so i would have to live on campus. but.. there are no rooms on campus right now. i dont know what to do. 

im soo annyoed with my dad seriously.

the two of us are soo much alike.  we can talk cirlces about things that dont matter. but when they do matter. we both dont talk. its annoying. like the fact that he has been pissed off at me since like before i got back from school in may!!!!!!! fucking may!!!!!!!!!

sarah has told me that he hasn't gotten over me not being at his house and spending time with him from last year. and apparently this year is just the same. i am either comming in and then leaving right away or i go straight up to my room.

i would try and fix it. but to me i feel like im kissing ass. which i hate doing. im not an ass kisser. i want to get back in his good graces but i dont wanna do it becaues i have been kissing ass. i dont know what to think. 

i have to work tomarrow from 2-6. sarah is planning on going to stone mountain. i dont think i'll go. i would rather stay home. dad doesnt know if hes going either. maybe if he doesnt go i should talk to him. sarah says i should talk to him when shes there. but i dont know if thats a good thing. im influenced by her. and other people around me. 

i am easily influenced.

damnit.

so on another note.. hence change of font.

i wish i was pretty. 

people tell me that i am pretty and beautiful all the time. 
i dont believe them. i dont know why. there are some days that i feel pretty. but for the most part i dont think im pretty, beautiful or anything. i know im not ugly. but still. 
i wish i could believe them. maybe becaues i have been through so much bs. and other things that i just dont believe it. i weed it all out as bs. i want to believe. truly i do. 
self esteem is in the crapper. i see girls with guys holding hands and other things.. and im like why cant i have that. if im so fucking beautiful and pretty. why cant i find a guy. (thats cute as well). im not too picky seriously. i dont wanna be single any more. i hate it. i truly hate it. i know im only 20. but i have been single for like 4 years now. im not including tj becaues it was only for a week. 
im a fuck up. 
i wish people would realize that and leave me be. im not worth the trouble. i dont want to die. but sometimes i think it would be for the best. all i do is caues problems. 
first with mum- i moved out of her house without asking.
second with sos- i think i stopped it before it go to far. but i still like him. but who is to say that if we ever go out that he wouldnt cheat on me. i mean he cheated on his gf. i dont know.
third with dad- that i have offically screwed my self over with. no questions asked. seriously. he doesnt trust me and i see no way of ever gaining it back. i have to call and ask if i can have a friend over. i have to call and as if i want to go somewhere. i have to call for everything. he made me paint the decks as "punishment"
although i dont think he thinks of it as punishment. im still not entirely sure what im being punished for. he has taken my car away from me. and its pissing me off. this is the second time my car has been taken away from me.. gahhh!

i should start to buy it from him. but then i would have to pay for insurance. and im not quite sure if i want to do that yet. 

i realize i have a comfy place right now. and i have piddled away a lot of money. and i really need to start being more responsible. but i wish dad would talk to me and remind me of paying him and shit like that. seriously. i forget. hes like you will have everything cut off if you dont pay your bill on time. and i am kinda like well you get a letter and shit that tells  you that  you owe them money. i dont i have the fucking rememebr every month. you dont even call me to remind me. fucking hell...

well this post has gone on lon enough.

more later.

Friday, July 11, 2008

why the fuck....

sooo... 
i totally went for one of my good friends boyfriends for like a week.. before my concious kicked in.. and i was like no. 

bad me..

on another note.. my parents have started talking to eachother.. not sure if this is good or not. they are finally pissed off at me. daddy says i need to gain some selfesteeem. caues i have none.. 

hum.. i wonder why....

he and mum think i am a good girl and i was brought up right and they couldnt ask for a better daughter.. however i am dissapointing them. wft

on the same note.. i am underhouse arreset basically by dad.. and mum.. dad is taking away the car i can only go to work and back.. and take care of the dogs.. gahh.. 

fucking hell....

dad say "i know you can do better. you are bullshitting us and yourself. and sadly you are believing yourself."

low low low selfesteem.

also... if a friend of mine comes onto dads property dad will not hesitate to call the cops.. gahhh.. 

on the same note as cops. if i dont pay my ticket. mum and dad both agree that i will spend the night in jail.. or untill i pay it. caues they aren't bailing me out.

this day just started off bad. i couldnt wake up. i had to take the dogs out for a walk caues i wasnt gonna be able to get them till later tonight. 

then michael called and said he was waiting at the cingualr store caues he wanted the new iphone. so i went and waited with him for a bit. caues i didnt have work till 11 and i had walked the dogs.  

mum left for jersey. 

she'll be back on sunday.. next sunday. 

so i get to work and almost break down. i couldnt even talk to coustomers. it was bad. 

i asked if i could go early and kevin said he would see. tj comes in a realizes somethings wrong right away. 

my shell is breaking. i need to stay away from michael he makes me feel too much. the shell is breaking not good. shit fuck. this is like the 4th or 5th time i have almost broken down. fuck fuck fuck...

on an up note i saw joe today. it made me feel alot better to see him. he put a smile on my face and he paied for lunch. i didnt ask him to. he saw that it was only 20.18 and he said he got it. yea~!~

lets see.. dad decided to drop everything on me right before work and it threw me off the whole day. i came home early from bbw becaues of it. crystal and erin and everyone else noticed.. tomica looked at me and was like smile. crystal was like sometings wrong ur not uppity.. that almost brought a smile to my face.  raffette came in and took over my shift for me thank god. 

well im gonna watch yuyu now.. so ttyl... leave one.. pitty or tell me im a re.