Summer

Summer is totally here. and my birthday is arriving fast. i really dont know what to think. i am working an internship at Crack Gorilla Productions from like 10 in the morning till like 4 in the afternoon. I could work later, but i need to get another job which sucks. i need money. Unfortunatly this internship doesn't pay shit. it sucks. but i am learning alot and everyone seems really cool..

i just got done editing a wedding, and when i get married i hope the ceremony isn't as long. i mean damn. i really dont know what i should be doing right now. caues i dont want to screw anything up on the wedding and we have to do it all over again.

new boy on the front. he's really cool but i think i like him just as a friend. there were no sparks or anythng when we kissed. it was just lustful. i want to like him i do. he's kind sweet, and willing to take care of me. but i think the biggest problem with this is that i don't think im worth any of it. I am not worth a good guy who will take care of me. my self esteem is compltely in the gutter. i wish it was more. i think this is why rain exisits, becaues she can act like she has self esteem enough for me and for her. its a little odd talking abut another personaltiy that you came up with. i really dont know what to do honestly.

i'm gonna open up to to him. i'm gonna tell him what im feeling, and how im very insecure with myself.

The end of the year

its the end of my 3rd year at Berry. next year i will be leaving. im not quite sure how i feel about it. I'm definatly in a better state of mind than i was when i first came to berry. I have realized i can be myslef, and open up a little bit more. i dont have to be loud for people to notice me. its a great burden off my chest. i feel loads better for it. i unloaded on t and chris a few nights ago after their concert and they dedicated a song to me. i wanted to cry.. t considers me her best friend. and she is one of mine. i wish we were rooming together next year. it would have been great. but oh well. we shall probly be inseprable anyway

I'm happy about where i am in life. my relationships are on the mend with my parents, and im learning who my real friends are. While im still kinda sad.. i guess thats the right word.. that i dont have a boyfriend. i dont know if i really want one. I'm so fucked up and confused right now that i dont think that a guy would be able to handle me. not to say that i havent had offers. the guys just dont seem right to me. Greg is sweet. but i see him as a friend. he really likes me. i dont want to force myself to like him, or use him just becaues i want a boyfriend. that wouldnt be right.  I'll find a guy once i stop looking. but that probly wont be for a while since i have been single for the past 7 years. 

i just want someone to hold, to tell me its alright, to listen to my problems, and not think im crazy. someone that cares, that doesnt feel obligated to just becaues they are family. one that doesnt mind being with me, when im so confused on the inside. 

life is to short to drown in misery. 

I'm so ready to go home. even though i know it will be completely different and i can't just call up Kat or lindsey when im bored, and want something to do, so i guess these posts will come more often. 

i have done absolutly nothing today. and i feel like such a bum becaues of it. i have read one book, when i really should be studying for programming and spanish, both of which i have a high d in. but i need to ace this final so i can get my parents off my back. 

there is soo much more i want to say, but i have no idea how to say it. its all just jumbled up in my head and is trying hard to get out, but it wont form coherent sentences, its annoying.