do i have a right to feel jealous?
When i produced the show no one/ even my friends never came. Tee was the only one who came, and she was the host... chris came because she asked... Andrew shows up, Matt and even Rachel shows up. I asked them to come. nope. no one. Jeremy showed up, but hes working, he would help run a camera or summat.
So do i have the right? I mean i consider them my friends, so... why... tee even comes early now to help set up and such. i dont get it.
I guess im not as important in their world. i never was. it hurts, i thought i had found people that i liked, that would stay with me. i guess not. i mean when i was producer, i was hanging out with them every night and chilling. i don't know what to think now. what to do. I text them, and get nothing back. I know im just complaining. but i feel like i give more than i receive. seriously. What the fuck is up with them moving to Florida? why? there is nothing there for them. maybe orlando, or another major city, but certainly not Tallahassee.
once again. i need to find friends, who return what i give.

Summer

Summer is totally here. and my birthday is arriving fast. i really dont know what to think. i am working an internship at Crack Gorilla Productions from like 10 in the morning till like 4 in the afternoon. I could work later, but i need to get another job which sucks. i need money. Unfortunatly this internship doesn't pay shit. it sucks. but i am learning alot and everyone seems really cool..

i just got done editing a wedding, and when i get married i hope the ceremony isn't as long. i mean damn. i really dont know what i should be doing right now. caues i dont want to screw anything up on the wedding and we have to do it all over again.

new boy on the front. he's really cool but i think i like him just as a friend. there were no sparks or anythng when we kissed. it was just lustful. i want to like him i do. he's kind sweet, and willing to take care of me. but i think the biggest problem with this is that i don't think im worth any of it. I am not worth a good guy who will take care of me. my self esteem is compltely in the gutter. i wish it was more. i think this is why rain exisits, becaues she can act like she has self esteem enough for me and for her. its a little odd talking abut another personaltiy that you came up with. i really dont know what to do honestly.

i'm gonna open up to to him. i'm gonna tell him what im feeling, and how im very insecure with myself.

The end of the year

its the end of my 3rd year at Berry. next year i will be leaving. im not quite sure how i feel about it. I'm definatly in a better state of mind than i was when i first came to berry. I have realized i can be myslef, and open up a little bit more. i dont have to be loud for people to notice me. its a great burden off my chest. i feel loads better for it. i unloaded on t and chris a few nights ago after their concert and they dedicated a song to me. i wanted to cry.. t considers me her best friend. and she is one of mine. i wish we were rooming together next year. it would have been great. but oh well. we shall probly be inseprable anyway

I'm happy about where i am in life. my relationships are on the mend with my parents, and im learning who my real friends are. While im still kinda sad.. i guess thats the right word.. that i dont have a boyfriend. i dont know if i really want one. I'm so fucked up and confused right now that i dont think that a guy would be able to handle me. not to say that i havent had offers. the guys just dont seem right to me. Greg is sweet. but i see him as a friend. he really likes me. i dont want to force myself to like him, or use him just becaues i want a boyfriend. that wouldnt be right.  I'll find a guy once i stop looking. but that probly wont be for a while since i have been single for the past 7 years. 

i just want someone to hold, to tell me its alright, to listen to my problems, and not think im crazy. someone that cares, that doesnt feel obligated to just becaues they are family. one that doesnt mind being with me, when im so confused on the inside. 

life is to short to drown in misery. 

I'm so ready to go home. even though i know it will be completely different and i can't just call up Kat or lindsey when im bored, and want something to do, so i guess these posts will come more often. 

i have done absolutly nothing today. and i feel like such a bum becaues of it. i have read one book, when i really should be studying for programming and spanish, both of which i have a high d in. but i need to ace this final so i can get my parents off my back. 

there is soo much more i want to say, but i have no idea how to say it. its all just jumbled up in my head and is trying hard to get out, but it wont form coherent sentences, its annoying.

life

sometimes life throws you curve balls. i have been fortunate enough to get out there this semester and meet a lot of new people. its amazing. thanks to my friend lindsey for getting me out there. now unfortuantly this also means meeting new guys that i find attractive.. and one of them has pretty much brutaly shot me down.  this is why i protect myself honestly. so i dont feel this way. 

so in tetricks world this knocks my guys count down to 4. wonderful... i think.  but the one i was really into shot me down.. so i guess that will never happen. oh well.. here's to the hurt!  dammit.. i want a shot.

well now i have t, mike, zach, and tree. out of those.. i would date zach and maybe t. i see mike as a friend, and always have from the beginnning. tree, well hes too sporty for me, and lives in dalton. 

so becaues of the new people i have met, they are encouraging me to step out of my comfort zone. im gonna do suicide girls for a bit. tetrick says im better than that but i think it would be fun. at least for a little while, make some extra money.

well i need to go do hw.

update.

i guess i should update.

i have a crush on two different guys and they couldn't be more different, and yet the same. they are both my stereotype lover.. honestly.. both tall and skinny and kinda emo/punk.

 one is named Zach and is in a band. he plays bass. he is an absolute cutie. tall and skinny. he has shaggy dark brown hair, with a little blond streak in the front. and has a monroe piercing and HE'S A TWIN!!!!!! not that they look anything alike.. well their jaw lines do, but they have very different personalities, and mannerisms. 

the other guy i like is cody. he's a punk. he works for his father at the bar McCrobies. i think i like him better. he has his lip and nose pierced, as well as his ears gauged to like an inch! i totally love playing with his ears.. (that sounds dirty). no i love rubbing the base of them, and he has the friggen softest hair i have ever felt. like seriously. it's amazing. he has the sides shaved and has a big mohawk.  (when he puts it up). [{again that sounds dirty}]. but he's adorable. i love rubbing his head where its shaved. i keep putting him to sleep almost.  and he's 20 but he's like been to a lot of places already, he talks big, but most of it is bs. but i still think he's cute.

MARK OMG FORGOT THAT LOST WAS ON!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry about that. Mark is my boss and is completely obsessed with lost, which is why i was shocked that he forgot it was on.

I have slept with both of them.. not slept slept as in sex. but slept next to them in the bed. both were something else. Zach i found out is a complete boobies man. like is amazed at my boobs, he wanted to fuck them, and because it wasn't hurting me i said yes. he is impressive i must say. cody on the other hand is impressive as well, i don't know exactly but i accidently hit it, and it wasn't tiny. but when i went to sleep with cody, we just curled up together and i put my finger through his ear, (hooked it though) and fell asleep. and he was playing with my hair as well.

thats all i really have to say, I'm talking to both my parents now, intermediately, and am trying to keep up with homework, its insane i swear. i am starting to look and figure out my class schedule for next year and I'm not liking it too much. at least i only have like 6 more cultural events credits to get, unlike Ashton who need likes 20. and he's graduating this year.. i need to find some cultural events that seem interesting to me. honestly nothing this year has really caught my eye.

on the note of soundcheck. i love dakota. he has made soundcheck this year kick ass. honestly. he got us Last november which i am extremely excited for!

whelp thats all i have to say for right now.

life and death..

i found out a few days ago.. that a good friend of mine had died... 

i had no idea how, just found out through the rumor mill of my moms friends that he had died at his girlfriends house in his sleep. didn't really think anything of it.  i couldnt believe it.. Little bobby. seriously.

a day later my brother informs me that it was oxycotton, and he couldn't breath while sleeping.  i still didn't want to believe it. 

but tonight, my mum went to this thing that some parents were throwing for his parents.  mum went. i didnt go, maybe i should have. i'll be attending his funeral tomarrow. 

this reminds me of when russel died.. i didnt know what to do or what to say. when stephen told me over the phone, i felt nothing. zach came over and i broke down. it was so hard to attend the funeral, i might have lost touch with him after middle school, but i would see him from time to time at stephens partys, and we would talk. i loved seeing color blind perform. russel was amazing.  he died on my b-day 2006

i just saw the curious life of benjamin button. i ment to go to a movie to forget about bobby, so i could deal with his death later.. obviously that didnt happen. the love story was good, and sadening, but it started out with death.. and ended with death. 

it makes you realize that life is precious.. and remember that. 

also never listen to bloc party

happy?

happy... what does that mean...

honestly.. i got out of bed at 8pm today.. what does that say about me. i didnt go to any of my classes.. ignored my phone calls..

(i actually buried my head in the pillows to hide from the noise)

what does that say about me.. i have taken my meds.. but are they working.. hoenstly

do i really feel any different.. 

there is soo much to do and so little time but i refuse to take the time to do it. honestly i lounge around and do nothing.. mayb that is why im having trouble in class. the only thing i really dont lounge around and do is with soundcheck. i always make sure that is good...

god damnit.. i am soo sick of two faced people. the bands that came up were soo sweet and nice. but my whole crew seemed to hate them. they were like yea they were fake and didnt know anything. their music sounded like crap.. gahh.. 

bella just ran off with my garnola bar...

honestly.. some of my crew stayed and talked to the bands afterwards. and when the bands left.. were soo backtalking them. its stupid.. honestly. if you thought they sucked then dont talk to them afterwards and sound so intresed in what they are saying seriously.

on another note.. i want something physical. im so tired of trying to stand on my own. i want hugs. i want to feel them. even if they dont mean something to the guy i want a nice hug. one where the guy wraps his arms around me and squeezes if only for a second. none of these fake ones that i keep getting. seriously.

humans are the most insecure stupid beings on this planet.. i would come up with more, but i cant.. annoying. there.. there are people outside in my hall yelling.. its pointless. come together and talk honestly dont yell across the hall.. seriously its stupid.. and then there are those inconsiderate dirvers that belong to berry college campus.. those stupid students.. omg they are retarted..  honking their horns.. just to get ppls attention.. yell out the damn window insted of scaring the shit outt ame with your retarted train horn.. on your fucking car.. also those students who feel that it is pertinate to honk the horn to get a friend to come out at like 2 in the fucking morning.. fuck off.. seriously. some people sleep. i will give you a little bit of a leway if it is friday or sat.. but otherwise piss of. we have fuking school.especially on like a tuesday night.. fuck off....