wonderful news

soo dad totally told me to come by the house tonight after i got off work. i supposed becaues he wanted to talk to me. 

well i felt sick and called out sick to work. so i ended up being home when he got home. well he came in the door i said hi. he said hi back. he did a few things in the kitchen then he went to his room. i was in the den with my brother for a while while he played a game on the wii. then i went into the kitchen to get on to my computer since it was charging.  then my brother left.

i had figured that dad was just waiting for jake to leave. but he never came back out. so.. hes ignoring me. i dont know what to say. i stayed in the kitchen much longer than i would have hoping he would come out. he never did. what the fuck. i tried. now granted i havent talked to him all week. but i dont think he really wanted to see or hear from me anyway. honestly. 

i dont know why but i am scared as fuck around him. especially when i know he is mad. fuck.  its not like he hits or verbally abuses me. i just am scared. i dont know what to do or how to fix it. i told him that i have a room on campus it is just temporary, but it still a room. and he was like i dont know how you have a tempoaray room. and i just left at that caues it sounded like he was just talking to himself. 

i dont know what to do. i am out of ideas. honestly. it hurts and i know he loves me. but we are like the same person when it comes to problems and thats bad. seriously bad.

shit fuck

so.. an update..

i jus spend the entire day with mike. it was nice. except for when i couldnt breath and ended up crying.. damnit. 

is it bad that i want to die. honestly. i need to keep that to myself tho. otherwise the rents would find out. and that would be too much. i wouldnt be able to go to college and i would be watched like a hawk. how annoying

sometimes i wish i wasnt the oldest. i put up with soo much shit and it is im possible to deal with. 

dad is gonna be pissed caues i didnt go to work today. but honestly i didnt feel well. i couldnt breath and it felt like my heart was being constricted and squeezed. it hurt like hell. mike was soo worried about me. i feel soo damn weak. jake thinks its becaues im low on iron and mum agrees. however,  that doesnt explain why i cannot breath. i think it was the medication. i started taking zoloft on friday. and yesterday i started having trouble breathing and i felt very weak. i left from work early yesterday at fye and didnt go into work at bbw. i came back home and pretty much slept the entire night. 

today i got up early since i had to get out of the house before the other people came and sealed the wood floors. i got breakfast and then went to mikes. he put skype onto my computer and was going to fix my fone, but i brought the wrong cord. damnit. all and all it was a decent day. 

i saw dad and he was like you are gonna come back here tonight. and i was like yea i guess.. so here i am. i dont know what he wants to talk about but im tired as fuck. and i need to shower. i know we need to talk. but i dont want to. im afraid of him. its not like he hits me or anything. for some reason he just scares me. 

mike said he loved me again today. and i dont know what to think. i believe him and that scares the fuck out of me. becaues as of right now. i dont even really believe my own dad and mum when they say it.  and i wanted soo badly to say it back to him. but i was scared. it would make saying goodbye to him even harder if i said it. hes dating alicia again. i cannot come between that. serioulsy. i already did once. so i shall sit on my feelings and work once again on bottleing everything up. the walls have cracked and they need to go back into place.  but this time with cement and brick. not just wood. no one needs to break through again. 

im not worth the worry

the agony

the pain

the question