life and death..

i found out a few days ago.. that a good friend of mine had died... 

i had no idea how, just found out through the rumor mill of my moms friends that he had died at his girlfriends house in his sleep. didn't really think anything of it.  i couldnt believe it.. Little bobby. seriously.

a day later my brother informs me that it was oxycotton, and he couldn't breath while sleeping.  i still didn't want to believe it. 

but tonight, my mum went to this thing that some parents were throwing for his parents.  mum went. i didnt go, maybe i should have. i'll be attending his funeral tomarrow. 

this reminds me of when russel died.. i didnt know what to do or what to say. when stephen told me over the phone, i felt nothing. zach came over and i broke down. it was so hard to attend the funeral, i might have lost touch with him after middle school, but i would see him from time to time at stephens partys, and we would talk. i loved seeing color blind perform. russel was amazing.  he died on my b-day 2006

i just saw the curious life of benjamin button. i ment to go to a movie to forget about bobby, so i could deal with his death later.. obviously that didnt happen. the love story was good, and sadening, but it started out with death.. and ended with death. 

it makes you realize that life is precious.. and remember that. 

also never listen to bloc party

happy?

happy... what does that mean...

honestly.. i got out of bed at 8pm today.. what does that say about me. i didnt go to any of my classes.. ignored my phone calls..

(i actually buried my head in the pillows to hide from the noise)

what does that say about me.. i have taken my meds.. but are they working.. hoenstly

do i really feel any different.. 

there is soo much to do and so little time but i refuse to take the time to do it. honestly i lounge around and do nothing.. mayb that is why im having trouble in class. the only thing i really dont lounge around and do is with soundcheck. i always make sure that is good...

god damnit.. i am soo sick of two faced people. the bands that came up were soo sweet and nice. but my whole crew seemed to hate them. they were like yea they were fake and didnt know anything. their music sounded like crap.. gahh.. 

bella just ran off with my garnola bar...

honestly.. some of my crew stayed and talked to the bands afterwards. and when the bands left.. were soo backtalking them. its stupid.. honestly. if you thought they sucked then dont talk to them afterwards and sound so intresed in what they are saying seriously.

on another note.. i want something physical. im so tired of trying to stand on my own. i want hugs. i want to feel them. even if they dont mean something to the guy i want a nice hug. one where the guy wraps his arms around me and squeezes if only for a second. none of these fake ones that i keep getting. seriously.

humans are the most insecure stupid beings on this planet.. i would come up with more, but i cant.. annoying. there.. there are people outside in my hall yelling.. its pointless. come together and talk honestly dont yell across the hall.. seriously its stupid.. and then there are those inconsiderate dirvers that belong to berry college campus.. those stupid students.. omg they are retarted..  honking their horns.. just to get ppls attention.. yell out the damn window insted of scaring the shit outt ame with your retarted train horn.. on your fucking car.. also those students who feel that it is pertinate to honk the horn to get a friend to come out at like 2 in the fucking morning.. fuck off.. seriously. some people sleep. i will give you a little bit of a leway if it is friday or sat.. but otherwise piss of. we have fuking school.especially on like a tuesday night.. fuck off....

daddy dearist

soo... im not talking to my father.. i want to. but its too awkward. i dont really know waht to say.... i mean i love him.. but im kinda pissed.. i know he wants me to grow up.. but to drop this all on me kinda sucks..  i dont know how to handle it. mum says i need to just call him and talk to him. i dont know if i can. i mean i would feel llike hes my kid and im asking him how his day is going and how was work. it just seems awkward... 

conversation goes two ways.. 

on other news..

omg michael moncreif is fucking hott..seriously he has no idea that he has like a fan club of people at the studio.

i dont know what else to say.. 

oo yea my computer is in the shop.. gahh.. my harddrive went kaput.. fucking hell..right in the beginning of school when i need it the most.. fuck.. seriously.. ne way.. thats all 

o!

i need afi and rancid to release their new albums and for my bff's to stop ignoring me!

wonderful news

soo dad totally told me to come by the house tonight after i got off work. i supposed becaues he wanted to talk to me. 

well i felt sick and called out sick to work. so i ended up being home when he got home. well he came in the door i said hi. he said hi back. he did a few things in the kitchen then he went to his room. i was in the den with my brother for a while while he played a game on the wii. then i went into the kitchen to get on to my computer since it was charging.  then my brother left.

i had figured that dad was just waiting for jake to leave. but he never came back out. so.. hes ignoring me. i dont know what to say. i stayed in the kitchen much longer than i would have hoping he would come out. he never did. what the fuck. i tried. now granted i havent talked to him all week. but i dont think he really wanted to see or hear from me anyway. honestly. 

i dont know why but i am scared as fuck around him. especially when i know he is mad. fuck.  its not like he hits or verbally abuses me. i just am scared. i dont know what to do or how to fix it. i told him that i have a room on campus it is just temporary, but it still a room. and he was like i dont know how you have a tempoaray room. and i just left at that caues it sounded like he was just talking to himself. 

i dont know what to do. i am out of ideas. honestly. it hurts and i know he loves me. but we are like the same person when it comes to problems and thats bad. seriously bad.

shit fuck

so.. an update..

i jus spend the entire day with mike. it was nice. except for when i couldnt breath and ended up crying.. damnit. 

is it bad that i want to die. honestly. i need to keep that to myself tho. otherwise the rents would find out. and that would be too much. i wouldnt be able to go to college and i would be watched like a hawk. how annoying

sometimes i wish i wasnt the oldest. i put up with soo much shit and it is im possible to deal with. 

dad is gonna be pissed caues i didnt go to work today. but honestly i didnt feel well. i couldnt breath and it felt like my heart was being constricted and squeezed. it hurt like hell. mike was soo worried about me. i feel soo damn weak. jake thinks its becaues im low on iron and mum agrees. however,  that doesnt explain why i cannot breath. i think it was the medication. i started taking zoloft on friday. and yesterday i started having trouble breathing and i felt very weak. i left from work early yesterday at fye and didnt go into work at bbw. i came back home and pretty much slept the entire night. 

today i got up early since i had to get out of the house before the other people came and sealed the wood floors. i got breakfast and then went to mikes. he put skype onto my computer and was going to fix my fone, but i brought the wrong cord. damnit. all and all it was a decent day. 

i saw dad and he was like you are gonna come back here tonight. and i was like yea i guess.. so here i am. i dont know what he wants to talk about but im tired as fuck. and i need to shower. i know we need to talk. but i dont want to. im afraid of him. its not like he hits me or anything. for some reason he just scares me. 

mike said he loved me again today. and i dont know what to think. i believe him and that scares the fuck out of me. becaues as of right now. i dont even really believe my own dad and mum when they say it.  and i wanted soo badly to say it back to him. but i was scared. it would make saying goodbye to him even harder if i said it. hes dating alicia again. i cannot come between that. serioulsy. i already did once. so i shall sit on my feelings and work once again on bottleing everything up. the walls have cracked and they need to go back into place.  but this time with cement and brick. not just wood. no one needs to break through again. 

im not worth the worry

the agony

the pain

the question

soo to add...

my parents bug the shit out of me. why cant they tell when i just want to be left the fuck alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! mum came into my room and was like " show me some funny videos." not like a request but a demand. and then i showed her like one or two and she was like go find your sister while i check my mail. then she grabbs my computer and starts going online. i am like wtf. seriously. go use your own damn computer. fuck off. 

so i found my sister and we all huddled into my room and watched videos.

later she comes in and my room is freezing. which i love it like that seriously. and she comes in and climbs into my bed. i dont know why i dont like it when people crawl into my bed. i just dont like it. its ewww. and she does it whether not it is cold in my room or not. gahhh. i dont mind if you lay ontop of my bed. but not in it. not to mention jaden is in the bed on the otherside and im desperatly afraid that she will find him. gahhh.

i just wish that my rents would understand that i like to be left alone at times. fuck. seriously. i'll spend time with you but dont force yourself on me. it makes me not want to be there. 

ok.. i have to figure out what the fucking dog is doing.. he's being a nut case right now.. looing at me. 

sooo... i blew up at my dad today.

i didnt mean to. he just pissed me off.

he called me at like 200 and was like you need to bring the car back home. and i was like ok. i'll drop it off when mum is done talking to the stair guy. and he was like ok. he calls back like 10 min later and was like you need to bring it back to the house now!. in like a mean way. i was like ok fine. i will. so i drove over to his house. and mum came behind me to pick me up. well i got into the house and dad wasn't even there. he called me and was like 

"im furious at you. you lied to me and to sarah. you said you had work."

and i was like i wrote it down as a call in. it didnt mean that i had work but i could possibly have work. and then he brought up this moring stating that i never called in and made  up me working today. i was like no. i called and they said they didnt need me. he was like thats not what mum said. mum said you called and they were busy. and i was like i waited for a bit then i called again and talked to shannon. she said that she didnt need me. 

dad then went i dont know whether or not to believe you. 

so then i was like well then dont. and i hung up on him. oops.

well im kinda glad i did. but i was soo pissed. seriously. i guess i should have worded it differenty. if i was working or not. he's just looking for places where i have been misleading and "lie-ing" to him. he says that i say different things to different people. i am like no.. i try to keep things from you guys that i think you shouldnt know. and when i do that i get in trouble. but when i tell you everything. i still get introuble. i never win. sarah often tells me that i say too much to my parents. but if i try and keep it a secret, i get told that im lie-ing and being misleading and untrustowrthy, becaues i am keeping things to my self. 

i just wanna give up. seriouly. i cant do anything right.