such fucking bs.
hes not taking my car with him to flordia. however, it has to stay at the house. i am not allowed to drive it even to work and back. it has to stay at his house. him and mum are talking tomarrow aboutt me. and mum keeps questioning me like is there something im not telling her.. and im like no. there isn't seriously. but she doesnt believe me
why the fuck doesnt anyone believe me when i say things. gahhhh
fuck my toes are cold.
moving on.
i dont know whether or not it is a good thing that my rents are talking. i mean its something i have always wanted them to do.. but at this point in time.. i really dont want them talking. i dont know if i will be going back to school. i dont have a car to drive so i would have to live on campus. but.. there are no rooms on campus right now. i dont know what to do.
im soo annyoed with my dad seriously.
the two of us are soo much alike. we can talk cirlces about things that dont matter. but when they do matter. we both dont talk. its annoying. like the fact that he has been pissed off at me since like before i got back from school in may!!!!!!! fucking may!!!!!!!!!
sarah has told me that he hasn't gotten over me not being at his house and spending time with him from last year. and apparently this year is just the same. i am either comming in and then leaving right away or i go straight up to my room.
i would try and fix it. but to me i feel like im kissing ass. which i hate doing. im not an ass kisser. i want to get back in his good graces but i dont wanna do it becaues i have been kissing ass. i dont know what to think.
i have to work tomarrow from 2-6. sarah is planning on going to stone mountain. i dont think i'll go. i would rather stay home. dad doesnt know if hes going either. maybe if he doesnt go i should talk to him. sarah says i should talk to him when shes there. but i dont know if thats a good thing. im influenced by her. and other people around me.
i am easily influenced.
damnit.
so on another note.. hence change of font.
i wish i was pretty.
people tell me that i am pretty and beautiful all the time.
i dont believe them. i dont know why. there are some days that i feel pretty. but for the most part i dont think im pretty, beautiful or anything. i know im not ugly. but still.
i wish i could believe them. maybe becaues i have been through so much bs. and other things that i just dont believe it. i weed it all out as bs. i want to believe. truly i do.
self esteem is in the crapper. i see girls with guys holding hands and other things.. and im like why cant i have that. if im so fucking beautiful and pretty. why cant i find a guy. (thats cute as well). im not too picky seriously. i dont wanna be single any more. i hate it. i truly hate it. i know im only 20. but i have been single for like 4 years now. im not including tj becaues it was only for a week.
im a fuck up.
i wish people would realize that and leave me be. im not worth the trouble. i dont want to die. but sometimes i think it would be for the best. all i do is caues problems.
first with mum- i moved out of her house without asking.
second with sos- i think i stopped it before it go to far. but i still like him. but who is to say that if we ever go out that he wouldnt cheat on me. i mean he cheated on his gf. i dont know.
third with dad- that i have offically screwed my self over with. no questions asked. seriously. he doesnt trust me and i see no way of ever gaining it back. i have to call and ask if i can have a friend over. i have to call and as if i want to go somewhere. i have to call for everything. he made me paint the decks as "punishment"
although i dont think he thinks of it as punishment. im still not entirely sure what im being punished for. he has taken my car away from me. and its pissing me off. this is the second time my car has been taken away from me.. gahhh!
i should start to buy it from him. but then i would have to pay for insurance. and im not quite sure if i want to do that yet.
i realize i have a comfy place right now. and i have piddled away a lot of money. and i really need to start being more responsible. but i wish dad would talk to me and remind me of paying him and shit like that. seriously. i forget. hes like you will have everything cut off if you dont pay your bill on time. and i am kinda like well you get a letter and shit that tells you that you owe them money. i dont i have the fucking rememebr every month. you dont even call me to remind me. fucking hell...
well this post has gone on lon enough.
more later.
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