happy?

happy... what does that mean...

honestly.. i got out of bed at 8pm today.. what does that say about me. i didnt go to any of my classes.. ignored my phone calls..

(i actually buried my head in the pillows to hide from the noise)

what does that say about me.. i have taken my meds.. but are they working.. hoenstly

do i really feel any different.. 

there is soo much to do and so little time but i refuse to take the time to do it. honestly i lounge around and do nothing.. mayb that is why im having trouble in class. the only thing i really dont lounge around and do is with soundcheck. i always make sure that is good...

god damnit.. i am soo sick of two faced people. the bands that came up were soo sweet and nice. but my whole crew seemed to hate them. they were like yea they were fake and didnt know anything. their music sounded like crap.. gahh.. 

bella just ran off with my garnola bar...

honestly.. some of my crew stayed and talked to the bands afterwards. and when the bands left.. were soo backtalking them. its stupid.. honestly. if you thought they sucked then dont talk to them afterwards and sound so intresed in what they are saying seriously.

on another note.. i want something physical. im so tired of trying to stand on my own. i want hugs. i want to feel them. even if they dont mean something to the guy i want a nice hug. one where the guy wraps his arms around me and squeezes if only for a second. none of these fake ones that i keep getting. seriously.

humans are the most insecure stupid beings on this planet.. i would come up with more, but i cant.. annoying. there.. there are people outside in my hall yelling.. its pointless. come together and talk honestly dont yell across the hall.. seriously its stupid.. and then there are those inconsiderate dirvers that belong to berry college campus.. those stupid students.. omg they are retarted..  honking their horns.. just to get ppls attention.. yell out the damn window insted of scaring the shit outt ame with your retarted train horn.. on your fucking car.. also those students who feel that it is pertinate to honk the horn to get a friend to come out at like 2 in the fucking morning.. fuck off.. seriously. some people sleep. i will give you a little bit of a leway if it is friday or sat.. but otherwise piss of. we have fuking school.especially on like a tuesday night.. fuck off....

daddy dearist

soo... im not talking to my father.. i want to. but its too awkward. i dont really know waht to say.... i mean i love him.. but im kinda pissed.. i know he wants me to grow up.. but to drop this all on me kinda sucks..  i dont know how to handle it. mum says i need to just call him and talk to him. i dont know if i can. i mean i would feel llike hes my kid and im asking him how his day is going and how was work. it just seems awkward... 

conversation goes two ways.. 

on other news..

omg michael moncreif is fucking hott..seriously he has no idea that he has like a fan club of people at the studio.

i dont know what else to say.. 

oo yea my computer is in the shop.. gahh.. my harddrive went kaput.. fucking hell..right in the beginning of school when i need it the most.. fuck.. seriously.. ne way.. thats all 

o!

i need afi and rancid to release their new albums and for my bff's to stop ignoring me!

wonderful news

soo dad totally told me to come by the house tonight after i got off work. i supposed becaues he wanted to talk to me. 

well i felt sick and called out sick to work. so i ended up being home when he got home. well he came in the door i said hi. he said hi back. he did a few things in the kitchen then he went to his room. i was in the den with my brother for a while while he played a game on the wii. then i went into the kitchen to get on to my computer since it was charging.  then my brother left.

i had figured that dad was just waiting for jake to leave. but he never came back out. so.. hes ignoring me. i dont know what to say. i stayed in the kitchen much longer than i would have hoping he would come out. he never did. what the fuck. i tried. now granted i havent talked to him all week. but i dont think he really wanted to see or hear from me anyway. honestly. 

i dont know why but i am scared as fuck around him. especially when i know he is mad. fuck.  its not like he hits or verbally abuses me. i just am scared. i dont know what to do or how to fix it. i told him that i have a room on campus it is just temporary, but it still a room. and he was like i dont know how you have a tempoaray room. and i just left at that caues it sounded like he was just talking to himself. 

i dont know what to do. i am out of ideas. honestly. it hurts and i know he loves me. but we are like the same person when it comes to problems and thats bad. seriously bad.

shit fuck

so.. an update..

i jus spend the entire day with mike. it was nice. except for when i couldnt breath and ended up crying.. damnit. 

is it bad that i want to die. honestly. i need to keep that to myself tho. otherwise the rents would find out. and that would be too much. i wouldnt be able to go to college and i would be watched like a hawk. how annoying

sometimes i wish i wasnt the oldest. i put up with soo much shit and it is im possible to deal with. 

dad is gonna be pissed caues i didnt go to work today. but honestly i didnt feel well. i couldnt breath and it felt like my heart was being constricted and squeezed. it hurt like hell. mike was soo worried about me. i feel soo damn weak. jake thinks its becaues im low on iron and mum agrees. however,  that doesnt explain why i cannot breath. i think it was the medication. i started taking zoloft on friday. and yesterday i started having trouble breathing and i felt very weak. i left from work early yesterday at fye and didnt go into work at bbw. i came back home and pretty much slept the entire night. 

today i got up early since i had to get out of the house before the other people came and sealed the wood floors. i got breakfast and then went to mikes. he put skype onto my computer and was going to fix my fone, but i brought the wrong cord. damnit. all and all it was a decent day. 

i saw dad and he was like you are gonna come back here tonight. and i was like yea i guess.. so here i am. i dont know what he wants to talk about but im tired as fuck. and i need to shower. i know we need to talk. but i dont want to. im afraid of him. its not like he hits me or anything. for some reason he just scares me. 

mike said he loved me again today. and i dont know what to think. i believe him and that scares the fuck out of me. becaues as of right now. i dont even really believe my own dad and mum when they say it.  and i wanted soo badly to say it back to him. but i was scared. it would make saying goodbye to him even harder if i said it. hes dating alicia again. i cannot come between that. serioulsy. i already did once. so i shall sit on my feelings and work once again on bottleing everything up. the walls have cracked and they need to go back into place.  but this time with cement and brick. not just wood. no one needs to break through again. 

im not worth the worry

the agony

the pain

the question

soo to add...

my parents bug the shit out of me. why cant they tell when i just want to be left the fuck alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! mum came into my room and was like " show me some funny videos." not like a request but a demand. and then i showed her like one or two and she was like go find your sister while i check my mail. then she grabbs my computer and starts going online. i am like wtf. seriously. go use your own damn computer. fuck off. 

so i found my sister and we all huddled into my room and watched videos.

later she comes in and my room is freezing. which i love it like that seriously. and she comes in and climbs into my bed. i dont know why i dont like it when people crawl into my bed. i just dont like it. its ewww. and she does it whether not it is cold in my room or not. gahhh. i dont mind if you lay ontop of my bed. but not in it. not to mention jaden is in the bed on the otherside and im desperatly afraid that she will find him. gahhh.

i just wish that my rents would understand that i like to be left alone at times. fuck. seriously. i'll spend time with you but dont force yourself on me. it makes me not want to be there. 

ok.. i have to figure out what the fucking dog is doing.. he's being a nut case right now.. looing at me. 

sooo... i blew up at my dad today.

i didnt mean to. he just pissed me off.

he called me at like 200 and was like you need to bring the car back home. and i was like ok. i'll drop it off when mum is done talking to the stair guy. and he was like ok. he calls back like 10 min later and was like you need to bring it back to the house now!. in like a mean way. i was like ok fine. i will. so i drove over to his house. and mum came behind me to pick me up. well i got into the house and dad wasn't even there. he called me and was like 

"im furious at you. you lied to me and to sarah. you said you had work."

and i was like i wrote it down as a call in. it didnt mean that i had work but i could possibly have work. and then he brought up this moring stating that i never called in and made  up me working today. i was like no. i called and they said they didnt need me. he was like thats not what mum said. mum said you called and they were busy. and i was like i waited for a bit then i called again and talked to shannon. she said that she didnt need me. 

dad then went i dont know whether or not to believe you. 

so then i was like well then dont. and i hung up on him. oops.

well im kinda glad i did. but i was soo pissed. seriously. i guess i should have worded it differenty. if i was working or not. he's just looking for places where i have been misleading and "lie-ing" to him. he says that i say different things to different people. i am like no.. i try to keep things from you guys that i think you shouldnt know. and when i do that i get in trouble. but when i tell you everything. i still get introuble. i never win. sarah often tells me that i say too much to my parents. but if i try and keep it a secret, i get told that im lie-ing and being misleading and untrustowrthy, becaues i am keeping things to my self. 

i just wanna give up. seriouly. i cant do anything right. 

new post

soo.... things aren't looking better between me and dad.. 

such fucking bs. 

hes not taking my car with him to flordia. however, it has to stay at the house. i am not allowed to drive it even to work and back. it has to stay at his house. him and mum are talking tomarrow aboutt me. and mum keeps questioning me like is there something im not telling her.. and im like no. there isn't seriously.  but she doesnt believe me

why the fuck doesnt anyone believe me when i say things. gahhhh

fuck my toes are cold.

moving on. 

i dont know whether or not it is a good thing that my rents are talking. i mean its something i have always wanted them to do.. but at this point in time.. i really dont want them talking. i dont know if i will be going back to school. i dont have a car to drive so i would have to live on campus. but.. there are no rooms on campus right now. i dont know what to do. 

im soo annyoed with my dad seriously.

the two of us are soo much alike.  we can talk cirlces about things that dont matter. but when they do matter. we both dont talk. its annoying. like the fact that he has been pissed off at me since like before i got back from school in may!!!!!!! fucking may!!!!!!!!!

sarah has told me that he hasn't gotten over me not being at his house and spending time with him from last year. and apparently this year is just the same. i am either comming in and then leaving right away or i go straight up to my room.

i would try and fix it. but to me i feel like im kissing ass. which i hate doing. im not an ass kisser. i want to get back in his good graces but i dont wanna do it becaues i have been kissing ass. i dont know what to think. 

i have to work tomarrow from 2-6. sarah is planning on going to stone mountain. i dont think i'll go. i would rather stay home. dad doesnt know if hes going either. maybe if he doesnt go i should talk to him. sarah says i should talk to him when shes there. but i dont know if thats a good thing. im influenced by her. and other people around me. 

i am easily influenced.

damnit.

so on another note.. hence change of font.

i wish i was pretty. 

people tell me that i am pretty and beautiful all the time. 

i dont believe them. i dont know why. there are some days that i feel pretty. but for the most part i dont think im pretty, beautiful or anything. i know im not ugly. but still. 

i wish i could believe them. maybe becaues i have been through so much bs. and other things that i just dont believe it. i weed it all out as bs. i want to believe. truly i do. 

self esteem is in the crapper. i see girls with guys holding hands and other things.. and im like why cant i have that. if im so fucking beautiful and pretty. why cant i find a guy. (thats cute as well). im not too picky seriously. i dont wanna be single any more. i hate it. i truly hate it. i know im only 20. but i have been single for like 4 years now. im not including tj becaues it was only for a week. 

im a fuck up. 

i wish people would realize that and leave me be. im not worth the trouble. i dont want to die. but sometimes i think it would be for the best. all i do is caues problems. 

first with mum- i moved out of her house without asking.

second with sos- i think i stopped it before it go to far. but i still like him. but who is to say that if we ever go out that he wouldnt cheat on me. i mean he cheated on his gf. i dont know.

third with dad- that i have offically screwed my self over with. no questions asked. seriously. he doesnt trust me and i see no way of ever gaining it back. i have to call and ask if i can have a friend over. i have to call and as if i want to go somewhere. i have to call for everything. he made me paint the decks as "punishment"

although i dont think he thinks of it as punishment. im still not entirely sure what im being punished for. he has taken my car away from me. and its pissing me off. this is the second time my car has been taken away from me.. gahhh!

i should start to buy it from him. but then i would have to pay for insurance. and im not quite sure if i want to do that yet. 

i realize i have a comfy place right now. and i have piddled away a lot of money. and i really need to start being more responsible. but i wish dad would talk to me and remind me of paying him and shit like that. seriously. i forget. hes like you will have everything cut off if you dont pay your bill on time. and i am kinda like well you get a letter and shit that tells  you that  you owe them money. i dont i have the fucking rememebr every month. you dont even call me to remind me. fucking hell...

well this post has gone on lon enough.

more later.

why the fuck....

sooo... 

i totally went for one of my good friends boyfriends for like a week.. before my concious kicked in.. and i was like no. 

bad me..

on another note.. my parents have started talking to eachother.. not sure if this is good or not. they are finally pissed off at me. daddy says i need to gain some selfesteeem. caues i have none.. 

hum.. i wonder why....

he and mum think i am a good girl and i was brought up right and they couldnt ask for a better daughter.. however i am dissapointing them. wft

on the same note.. i am underhouse arreset basically by dad.. and mum.. dad is taking away the car i can only go to work and back.. and take care of the dogs.. gahh.. 

fucking hell....

dad say "i know you can do better. you are bullshitting us and yourself. and sadly you are believing yourself."

low low low selfesteem.

also... if a friend of mine comes onto dads property dad will not hesitate to call the cops.. gahhh.. 

on the same note as cops. if i dont pay my ticket. mum and dad both agree that i will spend the night in jail.. or untill i pay it. caues they aren't bailing me out.

this day just started off bad. i couldnt wake up. i had to take the dogs out for a walk caues i wasnt gonna be able to get them till later tonight. 

then michael called and said he was waiting at the cingualr store caues he wanted the new iphone. so i went and waited with him for a bit. caues i didnt have work till 11 and i had walked the dogs.  

mum left for jersey. 

she'll be back on sunday.. next sunday. 

so i get to work and almost break down. i couldnt even talk to coustomers. it was bad. 

i asked if i could go early and kevin said he would see. tj comes in a realizes somethings wrong right away. 

my shell is breaking. i need to stay away from michael he makes me feel too much. the shell is breaking not good. shit fuck. this is like the 4th or 5th time i have almost broken down. fuck fuck fuck...

on an up note i saw joe today. it made me feel alot better to see him. he put a smile on my face and he paied for lunch. i didnt ask him to. he saw that it was only 20.18 and he said he got it. yea~!~

lets see.. dad decided to drop everything on me right before work and it threw me off the whole day. i came home early from bbw becaues of it. crystal and erin and everyone else noticed.. tomica looked at me and was like smile. crystal was like sometings wrong ur not uppity.. that almost brought a smile to my face.  raffette came in and took over my shift for me thank god. 

well im gonna watch yuyu now.. so ttyl... leave one.. pitty or tell me im a re.

crap crap crappity...

sooo...

i bought tickets to see rancid.. fave band in the fucking world.. seriously.. and its in the sketch part of town.. but who cares... however i really dont wanna go down there alone.. my cousin was supposed to come with me and now im looking for someone to come with me....so anyone who likes/loves rancid.. text me... or catch me on this and let me know.. its about 25$ for the tix...

addition...

also. the one who calls me her twin.. is like ignoring me. she goes to dinner with out inviting me. and goes with our other rooomate. last nite she went to a moive.. and didn't even bother telling me. i mean i know im not her mother and i dont wanna know where she is all the time. but an invite, or a hey we are going, would be nice...

they're my best friends right...?

ok.. so back to the whole.. friend letter 8 and number b or what ever i called them.. 

im starting to get mad at them.. i mean i know its in the past.. but im starting to get pissed.. they are supposedly my "best friends" and one of them even calls her self my twin.. i just dont know.. i mean i guess whats really pissing me off is that they are supposed to be my best friends.  they have to realize that they only hear the bad things i say about my mum. why the hell would i complain about her when everything is going swimmingly.. 

one of my friends refuses to go into my mothers house. which is just wrong. its not like my mum is gonna start throwing shit and stuff. shes going to be nice. what problems i have with my mother are problems i have with my mother. my friends shouldn't care.. or realize that it will get better. my friend was like "i like this house better. her mother scares me. i am never going in that house" and now that i look back on it. she didn't even want our parents. my mum and her parents to meet. even though we would be living together. wtf.

im sorry this is so emo. im just starting to get mad at them.

on a most random note

soo new band.. pretty cool. tokio hotel. pretty wicket..

found out jade puget had a helping hand with their song ready set go.. pretty wicked..

checked them out long before that, but yea... 

so started looking at pics.. couldnt figure out "its" gender

musically- it sounds both like a guy and girl

physically- hair like a girl, stands like a girl, face little masculin, more feminie, and more make up than jeffree star....

verdict.. i thought a girl..

i was wrong.. 

his name is bill... go figure... 

WANTED: NEW FEMALE FRIENDS.. no wait..

ok.. so if you read the previous blog you know i am sick as fuck. the nurses and docs still dont really know waht the hell i have.. kinda pisses me off. im going through a case of water every two days the anti-biotics arent working.. and tissues.. god didn't make enough of them. at least the ones i can get my hands on any way.

but the reason for this blog.. becaues i am mad.. but not really mad enough becaues im sick and all my energy right now is going towards writing this blog and staying up.

waht im about to do is copy and paste a previous convo i had with a friend here. caues i really cannot type it all again toinght i'll pass out..

what happened was.. at the beginning of this semester i had plans for moving off campus. i planed to move with a friend of mine named number C. well about 2-3 weeks ago my other friend letter 8 was freaking out caues she didnt have a place to stay. so we invied her to join our happy little group becaues now we could save even more money.

well wed of last week, they mentioned that they were worried that my mother would not pay her part of the rent. which my mother never said she wouldnt. so they thought up that they (number c and letter 8) would get a town house and i would rent by myself for the year. it was just a thought.

well come to find out this weekend their parents got together and decided that thats what they were going to do. no phone call to my mum about their worries or concerns. no telling me untill they got back sunday that thats what they were going to do.

even then i thought i had a little while to possibly change their minds. but no. letter 8's mum came up today and turned in the application for the townhouse today.

basically they kicked me out.

i know i should be angry at them but right now im too sick and tired to be angry.they should have called my mum if they had any qualms what so ever. but they didn't they acted like 5 yr olds.

soo yea. just ticked me off. and i have been sick since thrus. they are hiding behind the fact that they were worried that my mum wouldn't pay and that they were getting stressed. did they not think that i was getting stressed as well. and the fault lies with them becaues they didnt call or have any contact with my mother at all. if they had called and my mother had told them to fuck off or just ignored them i could understand. but she was more than willing to talk to them. gahh..

i know this sounds like a rant.. and it is. i just had to get it out becaues i cant complain to my 2bff's caues they are part of the problem.

so i have come to this concusion. i need new female friends. i think i only have one that i consider a really good friend.. and even then i hardly see her. i talk to about 3 or 4 others and thats it. the rest of my friends are guys, and have been since like 6th grade. i love them seriously.

ok the computer is blurring in front of me.. i need sleep.. good night good night parting is such sweet sorrow that i shall have to say good night till it be marrow.

sick

sooo..
im freaken sick and it sucks. i had a 101.3 degree temp last night.. and right now im airing out my room caues it was all stuffy and shite.. i just had a big bowl of soup..it was lovely. im worried about school tho. i have like 5 papers due this week and i was going to write them yestday and today, but i cannot concentrate.. even this is hard to do.

ne way. i should go to the studio and trying and find my show on the computer.. but meh.. i'll do it monday or something.. gahh.. i dont feel well.. this is the first time i have been sick, like really sick since i left home.. even then i never got really really sick. i always go through phases. i never am too sick. i can always function. and now i cant its awful. gahhh..

im sorry if this is a bit confusing my brain is a little befuddled and stuff. im tryting to catch my bad grammar but something is doesnt happen. im gonna go now just thought i would say something.

what to say...

what to say what to say what to say..

a lot has happened..

so this semster i got my own television show.. (pretty neat-o). and its called SoundCheck. I get a bunch of bands from around the state to come and perform.. you know what it would probly be easier to copy and paste the asking letter....

Hello,

My name is Rain. I go to Berry College and I produce a television show called SoundCheck. I get different bands from around the state to come to the Berry College Studio and perform. The performance then gets put onto a dvd and is shown around campus, it is also put up on youtube.com.

I am asking if you would like to be a part of this. The show is filmed bi-weekly. I am trying to set up a list for the next two months. I would need a band to play Wednesday March 12 or Friday March 14 (We can film either Wednesday or Friday) , March 26 or March 28, April 9 or April 11, and April 23 or April 25.

I am giving you guys a heads up because I know people work and would need to ask off work. We film from 4:30 pm till 5:30pm I would like the band to show up around 3:30pm so we can do a soundcheck for the mics and instruments.

I will be doing this again in the fall, so if your bad cannot do it any of those weeks, but would still like to be a part of the show just drop me a line and let me know.

If you want to do the show, within the message leave me a contact number and an email address so I can get in contact with you faster than myspace.com. I would also like a list of band members and what instruments they play. An email address is very important because I have a list of equipment that I have on hand to use, and I would like to know what you have and what you would need us to get.

Thanks a lot. I look forward to working with you.

Rain


soo yea that went out to like 8-10 bands..and i got an overwhelming responce.. pretty neat.. like within like less than 24 hours. soo now i am booked for the rest of the semester..

if you wanna check me out... youtube.com/vikingvision1

yep yep.. well i have to make a binder full of shit for the bands! ttyl...

rain

hidy ho!

soo im back..

kinda.. i really should be reading something so i can write my abstract.. which means i need to get away from the computer.. blah.. i dont wanna.. ne way.. news..

not much.. the brittany thing is driving me insane.. i went to wallyworld today and was like omg.. i need to read up on my brittany (NOT). and me and my friends just laughed she was like on 50 million bajillion covers. its annoying.. ne who..

found a guy.. pretty sweet. cute guy. kinda geeky.. when i think of him i think of sydney white and "I'm a Dork." yea..

but really sweet none the less i talked about him to my friends and they were like go for it!
he is a pre vet and something else major, with a minor in biology and chem.. smart man.. yea.. and he knows anatomy.. he gave me a massage and it was wonderful..

school

ok.. wow.. its been a while.
im sitting in history right now. a little bored.. oh well
im learning about islam. its pretty intresting. little bored tho thats why im doing this. great.. im gonna fail. oh well.

my sister is comming into town on friday. for sibs and kids weekend. im not quite sure if it is a good thing or not.

but im going to be looking at apartments i believe this weekend, since it is the only weekend i can since i am off. go me!

i work every weekend so blah! oh well its money.

ok i should pay attention ttyl